Man's Best Friend

You were warmth.
You were comfort.
You were the epitome of content, and it was so easy to take you for granted.

You brought nothing to me, did nothing for me, never once did you serve me,
but my soul is not nourished by physical service alone.
You were the great companion, co-experiencing behind soggy eyes
with a well-earned pace of one prepared to approach the finish line.

Your existence, while brief, was that of a tissue box, a good book, a favorite sweater or a carton of ice cream: though independent from my own, your life was spent supporting me through struggles and successes. I miss that support. I miss the support that I could continue to gain. I delight in my sorrow knowing now of the love that I felt all along for the pet that stunk terribly but seldom made a sound. I wore tears as badges of pride for this love you've inspired, refusing to hide my pain but declaring in my failed stoicism my willingness to be vulnerable as you faded into a dreamless sleep.

I trust that life without death will be among the greatest gifts God has to offer. Until such a time, I mourn for that which is taken from this side of the curtain in the hopes that, if only in memory alone, those we once embraced will remain with us as we enter the unknown and share the fearful grasp of our final breath.

Goodbye Diablo, I'll carry you with me always.

You are what you wear.

Is it deceitful to emphasize social traits in oneself that are known to be well received by others? By this I mean, knowing that others seek people who are x,y, and z, emphasizing such traits in oneself as a means of receiving acceptance. I'm really not sure, as it stands, whether this is an honest practice or not. The thing which makes it difficult to discern, I suppose, would be the fact that we are so good at simplifying the identity of others into preconceived categories that we rarely allow them to be much beyond our x,y,z.

Moving beyond the abstract, for me this particular issue creeps up when the discussion veers towards the introvert/extrovert distinction. I display the traits of extravert: talkative, socially outgoing, loud, willing to share my opinions/thoughts, yet these are things I'm working hard to emphasize. Lately, I`ve noticed that when I'm not feeling 100% these things fade and I feel as though my armor is being stripped away, exposing a broken child who is filled with doubt, anxiety and insecurity. These things are like fancy clothes, donned for an occasion, imbuing me with confidence and strength. Yet, eventually they must be removed. I know it's deceitful to be someone you're not, but is it deceitful to emphasize your strengths to achieve comfortability and acceptance? Perhaps this is all we are, personalities that are socially dependent as we gauge our audience and share different pieces of our souls with those who best receive them.

In any case, this discussion is a particularly important one for me as lately I've been finding it a lot more difficult to be this guy all the time. What's worse, when everyone expects you to come to them, to join their groups, and to make yourself seen, your absence and solitude becomes viewed as a choice. It's as though people (not necessarily in ways that are their fault) assume that you're able to just hop in to social settings and since you're sitting on the outside you're where you want to be. Maybe I'm overanalyzing and nobody's taking notice at all, but I can assure you that nobody wants to be on the outside. My time spent there makes me feel as though I'm watching people live great lives from the inside of a cage.

This is where the socially adaptive nature breaks down, as acting a particular way over time gives people only a glimpse of who you are and makes it far easier for your identity to be reduced to what you've shown them. You become "the English major", "the volleyball player", "the philosopher", but no longer do you remain "the person". Your discussions, superficial or filled with depth, become one dimensional as people come to expect things of you and come to you for specific things. If you're funny, people like that and want to be around your humour, sharing in laughs and jokes, but nobody comes to you when you're not prepared to laugh. Especially not if all they know in you is that you're the funny guy. Who likes the funny guy when he's depressing? That's just awkward.

So now back to what's concrete, I'll elaborate a bit more on who I am and how I'm feeling in all this. I feel like I've always known how to socialize, not so much out of natural progression, but out of necessity. I've gone through abandonment, and it's left me extremely guarded as a person, compelling me to learn ways to be interesting and maintain interest and attention. Lately, it all feels like a lot of work. When I've dropped my guard, and just been around people, I feel so damned lonely it scares me into becoming a more social me. What's worse, when I'm not working hard at it I see so many other people like me who are trying, or giving in, as they yearn for true acceptance and embrace. I don't think people neglect or overlook people because they're insensitive, maybe just because they don't know what it's like to be in a room full of people and feel loneliness. It's not exactly easy to see the people who are hiding from themselves.

In any case, in addition to all this I'm now left wondering what makes up my identity and whether I can truly say the fancy clothes I wear are at all a part of who I am. I suppose I'll wear them as long as they fit, but it'd be nice to know that when I'm not in this outfit, people still see me as more than a restricted view of who I am. I've got to try harder to be a whole person, while balancing the desire to fit in with the desire to be genuine; this is a lot of work. Is anyone else wearing a particularly fancy self, or am I alone in all this?