Memories

You say you're feeling close, although
The more I say, the less you know.
And as I fade in to the deep,
it's but a picture that you'll keep.

This image becomes stagnant,
desperately gripped as a final memory,
representing nothing of the present,
but a lasting link to the distant past.

And yet you'll never let it go,
the only me you'll ever know,
reminding you our love was cheap,
it's but a picture that you'll keep.

The last light

I'll miss you.

I try not to think about it.
I tell myself its far away,
that there's no use counting the days.
But the truth is,
not a second goes by unnoticed.

You've given my life its direction.
You built me from foundation up,
from moments of incoherent babble,
to a deeper sense of moral, social, and ethical beliefs.
You're the reason I am myself.

I pledge to commit our every moment together to vivid memory.
To tell those to come of your true self.
To imitate your laugh, to mimic your many quirks.
So fear not of fading away,
your spirit will forever shine bright in me.

My only hope is that some day I raise one like you've raised me;
I dream to know this joy.
If I may instill any level of admiration as you have,
I'll fear nothing, not even death.
For I too will live on, bright as day, in the memory of those I lived for.

Que the motivational music

You play your worst whenever you think you can't play your best

There, I said it. My newly acquired, tested and true mantra when it comes to all things athletic, perhaps even more. It occurred to me several nights ago that so much of sport is mental. I don't even care to venture a percentage because to separate the mental and physical aspects as though they're not so closely interrelated would be ridiculous. However, the mental is in many cases the motivator and driving force behind the physical. Thus, it becomes plain to see the connection between thought, specifically negative thought, and the result.

Some days when I'm playing soccer, or playing volleyball, or any other sport for that matter, I feel as though I'm in the zone. I know the zone is a legitimate thing used to describe the optimal place of performance, or something along those lines. Yet I do little to consider why this feeling is so fleeting at times. Simple, it's mentally driven. Confidence, practice, ability; these things come together to produce this euphoric feeling and generally produce the right result.

Contrarily, some days I just don't want to show up. I feel low, I make poor plays and passes, the game isn't anywhere near the level it should be. It comes as no surprise then that these are the points of major losses, big mistakes and frustrations. Teammates get mad at one another, there is no chemistry, and the whole game becomes hostile. At this point in time, the notion of playing one's best is so far from possible that it's not worth considering.

Now, if it's so obvious, why don't I win more? There's such a difference between knowing something, knowing about something, and truly knowing it. I know my attitude can change so much when it comes to playing sports, I know all about the powers of positive reinforcement and teamwork, but sometimes I know nothing about what I am capable of. It's not until I actually lean on faith in my preparedness, my ability, my performance that I discover that I am actually able to do something successful.

Ever feel as though it's exceedingly easy to deke out someone younger or less experienced than it is someone better than you? Think that confidence doesn't carry over into your play? Mentally, you're already working against yourself if you can't rely on the possibility of success. It's not guaranteed that every time you will do it right, but if you don't try for fear of failing, you'll never progress past the point of self-doubt.

Just thinking out loud on here, it’s my birthday, I can do what I want. Think about playing your best next time you're on your respective field of battle, be it sports, school, work, whatever. Have a little faith that you can do it right. Later days.

If it's the beaches...

So, I'm in a sappy mood. Perhaps this is a good thing, as I've been neglecting actual writing and I need to generate some form of practice before papers start needing work. Anyways, as I say, sappy mood. Play this song at the end of this post, and cry if you've got a soul. Kidding, but seriously, I love the language used in this song, truly masterful.

When I hear it, especially in my current state, it makes me think of how wonderfully lucky I am. I remember, when I look back on things, feeling as hopeless as I've ever felt in life. I was mad, I was frustrated, I was confused, and as I said before, I was hopeless. In a word, I was heartbroken. In this state, I was so mad at myself for ever letting anyone close enough to me to really cause me hurt that I vowed never to make the same mistake again. I didn't want to share myself, cause I'd already lost so much in this failed attempt at "love". Cynical, depressing, and bitter was I.

But alas, I mentioned lucky. I've come to conclude that hurt is a necessary beast. Many lessons I've learned from anguish and despair, even in my short time on Earth. Without the pains, there'd have been no chance for happiness to have occurred as it did in my romances of the past. Emotion is necessary, and lends itself to all sorts of unexpected outbursts. But yes, lucky.

I have arrived, my friends. I know love. Everything I thought I knew, everything I felt, it all has changed, and I am loving it. This love, though, wouldn't be possible if I was still my old, cynical self. I had to take the chance, and it is this chance which keeps me on edge. Songs such as this sting as reminders of the other side of fortune. The more I have, the happier I am, the more I stand to lose. The prospect of losing this love, the very notion, be it simple, contrived only in the mind, and fleeting, is enough to bring tears to my eyes as I listen to the pain in this song.

Enjoy?

If...

If I've only got one last breath,
I wish to breathe You in.
To have my lungs expand with your loving mercy,
to feel your warmth spread throughout my body,
until finally, together, we leave this existence for something greater.

If I've only got one last step,
I wish it to be a step in Your direction.
Uplifted by Your strength, pressed on by Your encouragement,
I plunge myself forward down the path You've paved for me,
until I fall in submission to Your greater calling.

If I've only got one last word,
I wish it to be love.
Completing a circle, from birth to death;
let me declare all I knew, all I valued, all You taught me,
until the very moment I fall silent, I shall speak of Your love.

And yet, tomorrow many breaths, steps, and words shall pass.
Moments lost, forgotten, neglected, and abandoned.
With such careful planning do I look upon my last acts,
that I neglect the present.

If I yearn for You, let it be in the first breath of every day,
If I wish to follow You, let it begin with the first step,
If I long to declare Your worth, let it be done in every utterance.
If my broken spirit needs your healing, let it start right now.