Jenga!

I'm building a tower with writer's blocks,
brick by brick until they fall from my memory,
constantly being plucked out, and added on,
as though I'm playing a game of mental Jenga.

No matter how many blocks I add,
I'll never build anything of consequence,
and even when it looks promising,
eventually it'll all come crashing down.

So I'm not the neatest painter...

So I've just finished eating a bag of candy, (assorted, from Sweet Factory), watching Book of Eli (easily one of the best movies I’ve ever seen), and spending an evening in with Leah relaxing and unwinding from a tiring morning/day of some volunteer stuff. Beyond all the details of what has already transpired, I am here now in this moment feeling as though I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

This place has become such a wonderful canvas for me to spill out my emotions in strokes and blotchy patches of sometimes incoherent ramblings. It's that artistic space covered in dry splashes of paint, caked into all the crevices and corners, soon to be overlaid by new colourful ideas and hopefully more cohesive works of the imagination. I love to write, I love to share, and I love to feel as though others may benefit from the concepts pressed upon my heart to be disclosed in this expressive space.

So, I suppose I should say, welcome back! As odd as it may sound, I feel I am an introvert running around in an extravert's existence. I love to share, I love deep encounters; I love it all. But in reality, this is my space where I can say as much, or as little, as I want. The space between where I sit now, my expressed ideas, and those who read them creates this bubble of comfort that allows me to feel completely open to sharing things I'd perhaps struggle to say in person.

And now, to what really matters. I feel affirmed. I feel so strongly affirmed in the pressing matters on my mind; a real mission of working to help build a sturdy, open community. In this past week, specifically Friday night, I felt so close to so many people in a way I'm not sure I've ever really experienced. Working with youth is the greatest blessing I've been fortunate enough to have bestowed upon me. It's helped me to deal with issues and topics ranging from my deepest secrets to the everyday mundane stuff. The relationships being built have been impacting my day to day life in ways I'd never even considered. Beyond that, serving with my peers has provided such a deep insight into who they are as people. It allows me to see such beautiful gifts and sides of their personalities I'd never have even considered existed. The whole situation is the perfect package; I feel I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Finally, I've had conversations in the past month which bring such joy to my life that I feel they simply must be acknowledged. I appreciate those who take time to talk, I appreciate your words of encouragement, and I appreciate all of you folks. If I don't say it, or don't mention how much I care, please don't assume it's for lack of love, rather more likely lack of awareness and expression. I suppose we're all a little introverted when it comes to expressing our truest feelings. As long as I have my studio here I'll keep slapping on the paint, if I spill a little on you hopefully it'll be something positive to add some colour to your life.

Cheers, Go England!

Just a thought

Some of the greatest people are amazing successes solely because they can find joy, beauty and meaning in the simplicities of life. There's no reason to become stuck in the agenda of the world when you can be living life appreciative of all you've got, and hopeful that tomorrow will provide something new and exciting that today has yet to deliver.

Why?

My heart splits in two as she asks me why.
Not where, not when, not how, but why.

The question wars are fought over,
the unanswerable, unachievable, unreachable goal;
the why is the unattainable search for meaning
that always seems so simple to ask, yet never complicated enough to answer.

How could you break my heart?
Simply answered, "with relative ease and slight hesitation."
Harsh? Yes, truthful? Maybe,
Answered? Essentially, yes.

But why, why I cannot explain.
Why not? I don't understand it myself.

Why do I love you?
Well, I love you because when I'm with you, my life is better.
With a moment's gaze into your eyes, I find myself closer to eternal happiness.
And only the thought of losing you brings tears to my eyes.

But, no, you didn't ask what makes me love you...
you didn't ask for me to describe the feelings you make me feel...
you never asked for how, when, or what I love about you.
You asked why.

Truth be told, I don't know why.
I don't know why I love you, I don't understand my love, or love in general.
I get how to show it, what it feels like, where it's generated,
but I just don't get why.

So stop asking me why, unless you may enlighten me.
But truth be told, I don't even want to know why you love me.
I'll take the mystery, I'll take your word for it.
And be happy that with every smile or embrace, I'll know strongly enough that you love me.
Cause just knowing that you love me is more than enough for me.

Community...?

I'm a first timer, so you're going to have to help me with this one. I mean, I've heard it said, and came to realize a few working definitions, but I'm not exactly sure what it looks like, or for that matter, if it's something I actively experience. I grew up on a block with friends who moved away, aged much too quick, or turned their backs on me before I ever really was able to understand this, so bare with me in my ignorance. Please, could you tell me what community is?

See, beyond a strong base of friends in my younger years, I was also without a religious community. I mean, there were years in which I went to church, but I don't recall any years where I felt encompassed in a community. I never had a place where everyone knew my name, and beyond my name, knew all about my life. I've had teams, cliques, duos, trios, and best friends, but I don't think they count in the same way. I've never had a place, apart from my house of course, where I've felt at home. Just as there's a difference between the four walled building you live in and a home, there's got to be something more to a home away from home. Where there's community, that feeling of being at home will follow, or so I'd like to think.

Now do that movie thing where a Whoosh! sound effect is laid over a flash of light, and jump to the present with me. I've got what's called a community, and made some very close, supporting, loving friends, but it still feels as though there's something missing. For every person whose life I could tell you about, there are 4 or 5 who I'd pass by on the street without even a hint of facial recognition. Even on a microscopic level, for every one of my peers in my community, there are 2 or 3 who I spend great amounts of time with but know nothing about. This is what causes me to inquire about what makes a community. Is a group name alone enough to solidify unity, or is there more to a community than a flashy name and meeting schedule?

I'll give you my two cents, save them for when the dollar gains some strength. A community, as I see it, brings this feeling of home out in you whenever you find yourself surrounded by your peers. When one stumbles or falls in a community, his pain, however miniscule it may be, is comforted and addressed. Trust and support are actively displayed as reflex reactions to stress, worry, anxiety, loneliness and grief. When troubles appear, your community is there to embrace you as a brother or sister. This isn't done for personal gain, but rather to maintain the integrity and legitimacy of such a group. A community cannot stand on its own without the support of all of its members.

What does this mean for me? It means I'm really confused. I love the people I'm around right now, but I keep thinking, who would I turn to in times of tragedy? The honest answer? Not many people. Definitely not everyone in my community. Why? Because I don't think that everyone in my community really knows me, just as I don't think that I really know everyone there. I mean, I care for them, and they care for me, but I've yet to encounter them on a deeper level. I'm learning that maintaining community isn't easy work, and definitely needs to be done with intentional interaction. But how do you embrace those who don't want to be embraced? How do you generate deep, all-telling conversations with people unwilling to share? Is perseverance enough to make it work? Can you force it to work? I doubt it, but there's got to be something to it. If you have the answers, or just want to engage in these kinds of interactions, let me know. I want these deeper level connections, anything less is unworthy of community.

Will You Return? - The Avett Brothers

I wish you'd see yourself, as beautiful as I see you.
Why can't you see yourself, as beautiful as I see you?

The Perfect Moment

There's music playing in the background. Is that...Justin Beiber? No, this moment involves no torture. It's the best song you've ever heard. This isn't a decent song, it isn't the loudest song, it isn't the song with the sickest beat, it's the song that commands your soul to listen and hear each instrument individually. Your attention becomes the possession of the intoxicating sounds as they meld together to speak secrets of the utmost importance. These lyrics become your therapist as they speak to the person you are. They acknowledge your pain, and provide closure and comfort. But, alas, this moment is far more than a song.

Out on the horizon, nature demonstrates her magnificence. Your significance evaporates into the scene of beauty before you as you become a part of the glowing landscape. With every glance your eyes struggle to comprehend what they see, as each blink tears you away from a visual state of bliss. That fraction of a second of darkness reminds you you're among the living, nudging you to appreciate every twig, snowflake and raindrop among you. Beyond the music serenading you softly in the background, the sounds of silence are broken by the breath of mother nature as your surroundings come alive around you. And yet, this moment goes beyond the sights and sounds of nature.

It is in this moment that your mind is given space to roam free. You see all that is in front of you, you realize the many flaws of the world, and are enlightened to new ways of survival and existence. Your enlightenment carries you above the surface, and allows you to ignore the many whats and begin to comprehend the why. You feel the weight of wisdom pressing down upon you as though the product of years of education has condensed itself into a single thought which only you may access and experience. Saying nothing, you listen to your thoughts to realize the most complex of answers put in the simplest of ways.

All this is only a moment. Not to be prolonged, profited off of, exploited or cheapened; this moment has value immeasurable in material terms. It comes and goes with the breeze, and may never again return. Make use of this moment, seek it, appreciate it in all its glory. In a world such as ours, where these events are tangible possibilities, never let a moment go to waste.

No Substitutions

Now that I've gotten the musings out of the way, it's time to get deeper. It's good to share light, humorous words, but you'll never learn to swim if you always stay where the water's shallow. I was thinking on the ride home about the game of soccer, even all sports in general, and how the person on the field is often such an accurate representation of who you are as a person. In many ways the field becomes a microcosm for the world we live in, and the spectators are treated to more than just a match among players. While we fill in positions and roles on a team, there is more going on than simply a match; we demonstrate who we are through the things we do on the field.

Let me try and flesh out this though before it evaporates into oblivion. If the field is the world, your position is your profession. You select, or have selected for you, a job to do based upon your preferences and skill sets. Although I may want to be a striker because it is a glamorous and high profile position, my inability to outrun a child will prevent me from playing that role. Similarly, we all may desire fame and fortune as actors or singers but lack any real talent. You do what you're good at, and if you do it well, you are rewarded. To start is to be promoted; you are more than just a player, you are one of the top players, slightly above the others. To be benched, in some cases, is to be fired. Your inability to do something well lands you in a place of unemployment, but it is usually only temporary.

Now that we have jobs, and realize we fit into something bigger, we must consider the idea of other players. First, we have the teammates; our friends. These people are supporting us, they work with us to aid in a common goal of victory and success, and suffer with us in our losses. Sometimes our relationships work, others they fall apart. Beyond them, we have the opponents. These are the jerks. We don't like them, we might not have reason on be justified in it, but we just don't like them. We villainize them, judge them, and taunt them. We wish for their misfortune, and celebrate in their losses, as they are potential gains for us. Finally, we have the referee; Mr. Policeman. He tells us what we already know, we've done something wrong. We may know the rules, may plead ignorance, may argue, may flip out, but regardless, we answer to this person. When we disagree, we show our disgust, when we think he's not looking, we break his rules, very rarely to we ever follow his wishes. (What does that tell you about society?)

So there's the framework. With a limited time to win, and set parameters to do so within, the clock is already against you. There's extreme pressure to succeed, so much so that you'll break the rules to do it. You'll risk injury for your fellow teammates, you'll step on the opposition, anything to win. The question I have, however, is why? Why is there such a strong desire to win at any cost? Why, when we step on to this field, do we feel such a separation from who we are in the world, and who we become in sport? Why is it that we justify our anger, disobedience, fowl language, disrespect, and apathy by relating it to the game?

I'll tell you why I play, (and then you'll likely throw rotton fruit at me for being cliche). I play because I love and respect the game. I'm not a world-class player, I figured this out long ago, but I play because I want to keep fit(er than I would be on my couch at home), and because I genuinely love the game. I love working and being part of a team, I love talking to fans and supporters on the sides, and I even enjoy talking to players on the other team. I don't really care all that much about the score, or about the points, I just want to come out, have a good time, and help out my team. Maybe I'm not the most driven player, but I know who I am. I love life, I love to interact, to work hard, and to try and succeed. This is my persona on and off the field. When I am playing, I am the same me as when I am at work, or at home. The jersey is just to add to the LCF. So I leave you with a question, when you're playing your sport, be it soccer, lacrosse, hockey, volleyball, whatever, what does your behavior tell you about the person you are in life, and how does that jive with the person you want to be?

Respond if you're inspired, if not, have a good game.

The turf's always greener on the other side...

So here it is sports fans, teammates, regular readers, and anyone else with eyes on my words: soccer blog time. Long since discussed, perhaps long overdue, there's much to be said.

The game starts, I'm beginning on the bench. I like the view, so I have coach start me here. It's also where I practice telling jokes, using different sarcastic tones, fake stretching, and if need be, British commentary. Conversation is key when you start in the position of bench, any mistakes or lapses leave some awkward pauses and missed opportunities for various immature jokes. Memo to self, become familiar with team nicknames, that's what she said jokes, and all sorts of balls puns. Beyond this, make conversation with various fans and supporters of the team. It's the job of the bench to make them feel welcomed, and to ask all the necessary questions about their family dynamics, where they live, what time they get off work and what routes they take to get home. You need to represent the team, so be thorough. If you want to feel important in this key role, yell various supportive phrases to your teammates on the field. I would suggest things like "good ball!", "talk out there/let's hear some communication!", "nice try! (even if it's not)", and always yell about Jizzy, it's a fan favourite.

When coach puts you in, don't act surprised. Pretend you knew it was coming, that you deserve to be entered into the real game, and start to do some fake stretching (it makes you look legit). Know the name of the person you're replacing, call it when it's time, and ALWAYS high five on the way in, (never leave him hanging, it's rude). As for what to do when you're on the field, you'll need to watch some youtube tutorials, I haven't quite figured it all out yet. Just get good at PKs, and you'll be fine. Welcome to CFC, enjoy your stay!

These trees could use some hugs

Wisdom flows freely as trees grow,
seeds slowly blow in breezy meadows.
scattering saplings spread out spaciously,
knowledge needs nurturing.

Uprooted, displaced, erased, torched.
Forests ablaze in destructive infernos.
The ignorant flame igniting, shame
we didn't turn to see it coming.

Yet we plant in places of desolation,
where neglect fertilizes idle seedlings.
Watered down with sunny spotlights,
scorching dreams, preventing prospects from growing upright.

But growing up right requires more than sunlight.
Fright grips tightly as we wonder "why, might we
simply buy all the things to make our forests grow healthy?"
Confounded as to why our seeds die striving to be wealthy.

IDNA

"You see, everybody is somebody,
but nobody wants to be themselves,
and if I ever wanted to understand me,
I'll have to talk to someone else"

When I'm gone, all that will remain of me here on earth are my words and images. I mean, my corpse will be around for a bit, but that's a morose image to consider. Beyond my physical remains, in whatever form they may be, my existence will be encapsulated in the images and words of the past. Just thinking about that makes me want to try harder. EVERY thing I say, EVERY thing I do, all that I am in this current state of life is potentially recorded and remembered somewhere by someone. When I speak or act wisely, I am remembered in a positive light by those who may extract comfort or consolation from my presence. Contrarily, when I act in anger, haste, frustration, or ignorance, I am potentially remembered as a foolish person. My every decision adds to the actualization of the remembered individual I am destined to become.

Here's the real kicker about it; as a logical person, I try hard to live life by objective truths. That is, things which are true dependent on fact alone and void of subjective opinion as a factor in their validity. Yet, when I die, my entire existence becomes a subjective experience. There will be objective truth insofar as it will be true I lived, true I did so and so things, and true I died in such a manner, but the qualities of who I was as a person (fears, ambitions, emotions, etc.) will all be entirely subjective. You may have heard me say I love soccer, but will you really capture my love of the game? Will your recollection of my passion for the sport accurately represent my true feelings towards it? Of course not, you'll interpret my words, actions, and thoughts in much different a way than I. What does this mean for the memory of who I am to become after I am gone? It means that no matter what, nobody will know me as I know me, and therefore, I'll never exist in the same way I do now.

By no means am I urging you to forget me on these grounds. Rather, I'm just arriving at the obvious truth of existence. Here on earth, I have one shot to live and be me. Ultimately, when I die, I want people to have had the chance to know the real me with as much authenticity as I could possibly have exhibited. If I live my life a liar, and die as such, then what have I left to be remembered by but shadows and false impressions? I want to be real with you, I want to be as genuine as possible, I don't want to have a few people know the "real" me while everyone else was introduced to a stranger. How sad it would be if it is only at my funeral that people get to know the "real" me. I have the time now to be real, to be honest, and to make genuine connections. I must go beyond surface encounters to the heart of who I am, and to who you are. It can't be left unsaid for another day, as another day is an uncertainty.

Legit Limerick

So upon request from one of my hugest fans, I present you with a limerick. Enjoy!

There once was a man from the past,
whose life passed him by much too fast,
he began it with doubt,
lived troubled throughout,
and ended up coming in last.

2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa™

The Girl

I wish I could do better by you,
'cause that's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave
Fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost

You don't ask for no diamond rings
No delicate string of pearls
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

Just felt like writing...

I'm one person. One sole individual with many parts uniting to form the existence that I subjectively experience from day to day. I am an athlete, a student, a son, a brother, and a boyfriend. I am all of these many roles that I function in, and I do so in a consistent, steady manner. That "me" that you saw yesterday, the day before, and the very day we met exists in as much of me as I ever have. I believe in my faith, I have strong convictions in my beliefs and morals, and I live out my life with integrity.

No you don't. Don't listen to him, his mouth spouts such optimistic, idealistic drivel that he'll encounter anything with a smile. He's not always like that; all upbeat I mean. Sometimes when he's off staring into the clouds, I creep in and reek havoc. It is me that causes him to question his "roles", his "beliefs" and the people he "loves". Not only do I get him to ask questions, I get him to do all sorts of things. The types of things that would turn his face bright red, that's all me. The best part is he's in such denial of my existence that he blames it all on himself. I'm not saying the guy's innocent, but it's just funny to see the extent at which he'll lay the blame on himself. This guy's so easy to sway and manipulate, how could I help myself?

Okay, so I'm not perfect. Well, actually, far from it. There are times when I feel so out of control, I don't know what to do. I know that if I just grit my teeth and work through it, I can make any situation work out in the end. It's just really hard when it doesn't. I've got two feet on which to stand, and the strength to do it all myself. I'm a work in progress, but I'm still me. I can do it, don't worry about me.

It is not worry that you see from me, but concern. All the problems you face, all the mistakes you make don't have to be laid on your shoulders alone. Ignore the voices and pressures pulling you different ways, seek the voice of your Father for guidance. When you put yourself at such a distance from Him, his voice may not be the first thing you hear, nor the loudest, but it will always provide the most strength. He knows your pain, he knows your struggle, and he cares. He rejoices in your successes, suffers in your struggles, and wishes for the greatest things for you. It'll always feel easy to stand on your two feet when you're propped up by pride and self-reliance, but in the end you'll always fall. He doesn't want to see you fall, and He'll always be there to help you up.

Being a less emotionless being

Don't waste your tears on me, for if there's one thing I don't understand, it's that outpouring of emotion. I am hardened, logical, and consistent. While tragedies and joys send your heart soaring to new heights and depths, I maintain my poise and composure in neutrality. While you shed sheer cries and howls of pain, I merely shrug off troubles and worries. While screams of excitement and elation are emitted for purposes unknown to me, I merely crack the slightest hint of a smile at my fortunes.

When life is lost, or tragedy strikes, you band together in your sorrow. When you are low, you seek comfort and support. Unified by your pain, these supporters do not repair what is lost, but they fill this void, this emptiness, caused by your strife. It is not so for me, as loss is simply a completion of the cycle.

Not only is there emotion in your misfortunes, but you trivial beings find emotion in your gains. When new life is granted, or great successes befall you, I see more damaged plumbing desperately needing tissues to stop the leaks. As with your pain, your joys bring you together. You share them and are received with excitement and congratulations only further elevating your jubilation. For some reason, it is as though any form of emotion whatsoever has potential to create a unifying experience.

It is said that men should be tough, should endure pain and not demonstrate these displays of emotion. And yet, in all this we wonder why women are so much closer to one another than men. It's as though there is some complex equation behind the circumstances that allow them to be close, but keep us at distance with one another. For some reason, we all are ashamed and embarrassed by our emotions. We hide our tears; saving them for times of privacy. It is in these times that we require one another most of all. In the past years I've felt more emotion than I know what to do with. When great joys or sorrows befall me, I've allowed them to show. I no longer calculate or question emotions with a hardened, cynical heart. I have felt joys, excitement, and love with such intensity it has brought tears to my eyes. I no longer wipe them away with frustration or embarrassment but instead enjoy the experience of being moved and stirred to such emotional heights.

I have existed in such emotionless states, afraid to express my true feelings. I felt self conscious, isolated, and tormented by my own contradictory existence. I wanted so much to have support, to have someone with whom I could share my emotions and yet I was so adamantly isolating myself that it would never have been possible. Emotion is nothing to be embarrassed about, it is nothing to hide, it should be expressed and dealt with head on. Don't hide your pain, seek comfort and support in your companions. Use emotion as it should be used; for unity rather than isolation.

When society is telling you to live by their standards and rules, think for a moment to the last time society helped you deal with anything in a positive way. Never be ashamed of your humanity.