Mirrorly sharing my thoughts.

Why do some of the simplest things feel so difficult? It's as though there's this constant inner struggle going on, a battle of wills, in which what should happen, and what is happening are at odds. I know how to act, I know what to do, I know what I should be doing, and yet here I am in the moment of struggle, here I am in the time of turmoil; here I am in a self-decided isolation. The choices I make are but a drop in a bucket to me, and yet from an outside perspective, all that's visible are the ripples of my decisions. Each second that passes, a wave of judgement strikes on every possible choice. Not only are my choices scrutinized, but my methods, my attitude, my whole physical representation. This is the unseen reaction to each and every act I do. Not only me, but for everyone around me. When I look upon you, without speaking or even making eye contact, I begin this process. Since it's unacknowledged, I suppose it can be easily denied, but I'm not going to deny it. Where do I go from here, though? What do I do once I'm aware of the influence of the insignificancies? If my hair, clothes, and musical preference is being judged, what does that say about the depth of judgement my character receives?

Now this is where I deviate from current themes in my writing, as this isn't something limited to people with a religion or set of beliefs. Those who hold their beliefs close may feel this struggle pull a little tighter as they are reminded of how to be universally accepting, but nobody is free of error. Here's my ideal; my personal epitome of universal acceptance, and my image of what an accepting life needs to look like. I want to live in a world without mirrors.

Yeah, you heard me, no mirrors. Where might this get us? Well, for starters, we'd probably have a lot more car accidents and food in our teeth. But hey, I mean, the world can't be PERFECT. If you've taken my consideration to heart, and began thinking of the other absurd flaws that this world might bring with it, toss that to the side for a second. We rely on the mirror. Why? "I need to look perfect". I think it, would never dare say it, but I think it.

I double-triple-quadruple check before leaving the house, and in doing so spend more time fixing my hair than repairing the broken relationships I live with. I run by my family as I speed out of the house, (late), thinking not of how I shouldn't have said those horrible things, but instead of that piece of hair that wouldn't fall properly.

I arrive at my destination extremely conscious of the presence of mirrors all around me. My reflection is painstakingly crafted, yet picked apart in seconds by its presence in the eyes of my peers. Without uttering a word, their stares tell me everything I'm doing wrong, and all the ways I'll never be able to fix it. Their appearances, behaviours, words, and gestures reflect nothing of my personage and I am made blatantly aware of how horribly I stick out. That one piece of hair that wouldn't go down.

I wander about feeling smaller and smaller until I find a way to look more like the mirrors around me, and less like myself. I change, I adapt. In doing this, everything about me becomes lost, as I finally manage to get that bit of hair to come down. However, in doing so, I become more of a mirror through which other's find their flaws. I stop focussing on my values and greater beliefs as I become an object in this perpetual game of judgement. At least among a room of mirrors and surface appearances I don't stand out, not anymore. Plus, a mirror can't reflect the stuff that doesn't show, so what importance can it really have anyways? If I throw it aside, I can become more like the rest of them, and I can fit in.

This scenario, I would say with confidence, is somewhat like what I've gone through in school. Man, I knew what everyone else liked more than I knew what I liked. I wasn't mean, not in any direct way, but I had such a potential to be nice. Philosophy, for me, was a giant hammer, smashing mirrors all around me and waking me up to what really mattered. But regardless of how I broke out of the cycle, one thing I learned was that in a room full of mirrors, there's no place for self-reflection. (Awww yeah, wicked pun). But seriously, those mirrors just got in the way. So now and for as long as I live, I hope to live in a world without mirrors. I'll replace them with the people around me, and stare deeply into the needs of others, devoting my time to something much deeper than appearances.

So what are you waiting for? Grab a hammer...

Happy (upcoming) Christmas, leave a comment if you feel like letting me know you've stopped by, it's always nice to know who's sharing my thoughts. That's not too needy-sounding is it? Cause I scratched out my original I need love slogan. Ha, cheers.