PDP/life Update

Hello world,

Well, actually, to be more accurate based on my delightful Google analysis, hello North America, and areas of Europe and South America. I feel empowered by this forum to speak my mind, but also hesitant to embrace this faux strength as it is an acknowledgement of my social discomfort in person. Alas, I digress. I have begun my time as a student teacher in the PDP program, and have been encouraged by the amount of reflection on the menu for the coming year. Reflection is kind of my thing, so that's exciting.

Let's begin.

First, I awake every day to look in the mirror. HA! A joke! How unexpected. Now that I've set you up, you're probably all..."this guy...this guy right here, with his awkward humor." Yes, yes, that's me. Annnyways, let's move on. This program has already started to stir some stuff up in me that I simply must address in a concrete way if I'm to look back upon my progress.

The first thing I've felt, as I began this portion of my life, is doubt. I had received my acceptance letter, started to think about the prospect of myself as a teacher, and felt like I would never be capable of anything so important. I must remind you that this has been my ambition for as long as I've learned to set goals, so such a feeling really shook me. I felt as though I knew I could teach, but there was no way I could be a teacher. The responsibility, the capability, the professionalism, the tact, these were all things beyond my reach that no amount of education could change. I cannot do this, I cannot. This was a fun couple of months (Sarcasm!). On the bright side, I'm beginning to overcome such thoughts, so that's good.

Next, as I began going to the lectures and classes, I came to see a group of people to whom I was having difficulty relating. I felt constantly torn between knowing the importance of socializing and a great discomfort in those social situations. I prayed each day that God would give me the strength to sit in a room of my peers and engage in conversation, but I sat defeated on the outer edges of the group. I know how to talk to people, I know how to make them smile and laugh, but I do not know how to feel comfortable within a group. This has been such a burden lately. How can I point anyone to God, how can I show myself as a Christian, how can I be the man God wants me to be when I feel like running away from everyone I encounter? Is there such thing as an introverted evangelist? Is that something God will fix? Is it to be fixed at all? Can I be used at all? Will it always be this difficult? This has been on my mind a lot this week.

Cue the fresh start. Today, as we ascended Grouse Mountain for a day of relaxation, dancing, snowshoeing and socializing something felt profoundly different. I've been praying all week, was this the time I was to be heard? The art of conversation is perhaps the only art I'd claim any proficiency in, but this is generally merely an adaptation so I don't consider it to be anything special. I had several conversations, as I normally do, without feeling any different. However, after listening to a talk about the Squamish people given by a delightful Aboriginal man, my fears and concerns seemed to dissipate. He spoke of love, he spoke of positivity, he spoke of equality and respect. He made us dance, he raised our spirits, and he lowered my defenses. As I left the lodge I felt encouraged, I felt loved, I felt like this man and the people he represented had insights into God's grace that pre-existed the oppressive pressures of the early European Christians.

I left with questions, I left with thoughts, I left with ideas that had to be settled upon the page. Ultimately, I left with the knowledge that oral traditions do not translate into paraphrased textual interpretations. I felt encouraged. I FEEL encouraged that through the words we use, the body language we employ, and the kindness we embody we can love without ever speaking of such notions. I don't have to speak of God to show love, I don't have to be the center of attention to show I care, with even the slightest of whispers I can captivate an audience with carefully chosen words. I can listen, I can learn from others, and I can seek to embody compassion, loving people where they're at and encouraging them to reach beyond the comfortable.

I am empowered because I am weak, in my weakness He is strong. That's the good news of the day!