Memories

I find time in silence to remember. I think back to when I was younger, wondering where the time has gone and realizing that I'll never be as young as I consider myself to be. The universal nature of such subjects may render them commonplace, but it doesn't diminish their importance. I wonder, as well, whether I'll ever outgrow my capacity to pluck details from the past and relive them at will. When will I lose the remnants of the past, placing an expiry date on memories and forgetting things which once were the sum of my collective experience? I believe that each friendship, each encounter, even each moment we share in joy and love with another has value; but is this value diminished by my inability to remember? Nostalgia, then, becomes a means of self-preservation used to hold on to each moment.

I miss people in the sense that I miss the experiences we've shared, I miss the friendships in my memories. I don't know if I ever expect myself to be the person who has lifelong friendships. I suppose if the past in any way dictates the future, socially I'll be a transient wanderer. I keep thinking things will never be the same as if the comfort found in the predictable is something I need, while at the same time I recognize the inevitability of change and the importance in realizing that life isn't about preservation. I suppose this sort of reflection is always fraught with contradictory wills for me, but nonetheless, I will both lament and excitedly embrace the impact of change.

Beyond these thoughts, although not necessarily entirely apart from them, I think I need to learn the importance of being content with my life. I think this requires gratitude and patience, the latter of which being something I struggle with. I constantly think about the hypothetical paths my life could take, and the next steps involved in my many decisions. I'm always planning, charting some greater trajectory that may or may not involve grand changes to my circumstance. I need to practice a discipline of thankfulness that goes beyond celebrating successes to celebrate simply being. I think, amidst change, one way to part with the past is to celebrate the present rather than resenting the loss of the moment and having to lament my inability to relive my memories.

...or something along those lines. If, for whatever reason, this is to be my last post of the season, Merry Christmas all!