Stubbornness, happiness, and humility

So one thing I've struggled with for the longest time is stubbornness. I just like to be right. Not only do I enjoy being right, I'd like to think that I've put a lot of time and effort into ensuring I'm right. When I speak, I hope that I am informed on the subject matter, that I've done some research into my topic, and that I can contribute something useful. When I am faced with opposition, I feel almost duty bound to make my side heard and to resolve the disagreement (generally by persuading someone to see things my way). I just like to be right.

One thing I've learned in marriage is that you can end up feeling really bad about being right. Sometimes that satisfaction that used to come with being right is now accompanied by feelings of guilt, remorse, frustration, pride, and all sorts of other not-so-great things. What used to be one of my favorite things can now be something very conflicting. In light of this, I have come across a question that has helped me let go when being right isn't feeling all that great. The question in question is this: Would you rather be right, or be happy? What a great way to reframe this sort of tension that accompanies being right in the wrong ways, and the ill consequences of being right at the expense of someone you care deeply for.

But then, as I was thinking today, I feel like God was giving me something more to chew on. It's this very reflection that has spurred me to post tonight. At volleyball, I got in an argument over a ruling with an opposing player, and later after the game apologized for the way I handled it on the court. This encounter led me to consider the following. Sometimes I may be neither right, nor happy. The higher calling, in situations where I feel like I just wanted to be right and win, might just be to submit.

Now I don't mean to suggest that one relinquish their morals, or compromise their identity, but rather that there are times when I talk to people that I am called to be a light. I'm not so great at evangelism, and often shy away from sharing my faith in bold ways, and I often justify that by telling myself that I will let my actions speak for me. Since I take this stance, I think I need to consider that to be right and to let everyone know how smart I am only serves to communicate how great I am. In fact, it could diminish God's work in me, encourage me to rely only on myself, and show people how little God is doing through me. Likewise, to go through disagreements in a disconnected manner to simply placate others seems unappealing to me. Happiness is cool, but I don't think it is something I should strive for in times of conflict.

Ultimately, if every time I get into a disagreement I can judge the importance of the issue at hand and begin to consciously decide to let go of my desire to demonstrate arrogance veiled in expertise or knowledge, maybe I can start to more consistently understand what it looks like to humble myself. Put another way, If Jesus himself can come with all the power and authority on Earth contained in a body that was broken, beaten, and given up as a sacrifice to demonstrate what true power and love look like, I need to start to consider submission in difficult times the calling to which I am held. If I can learn to choose not to be right or to be happy but instead to be humble, I think I can begin to better understand and live out (maybe in just a small way) that death to self that Jesus said was so necessary for following him.