Inner Monologue

While I find myself surrounded by others, I feel torn between a desire for isolation and the guilt of knowing I'm a social disappointment. It seems as though, with each passing day, I grow more disappointed with myself and this tension. I feel empty, in many ways, as though I'm missing out on life. It's a sinking, all consuming feeling that leaves me only desiring a further retreat from the presense of others. Throughout all this, I am only sickened by this self-pitying attitude that I gravitate towards, feeling as though there's some great separation between my true self and this negative persona inhabiting my thoughts. Truthfully I ask if integrity is of value when I feel so utterly disappointing, as if this complex problem would be solved by putting it on display. What analysis will lead to resolution? I know the answers, I feel, but it feels empty. I am vacant, with only hope that I shall soon overcome. Encouragement seems a burden, as in the light of sacrifice and grace I'm uninspired towards change.

I'll be home, in a little while, lover I'll be home.

That's my prayer.

An Apology

If the greatest thing I do is love you,
I'll leave a legacy of missed opportunities and disappointments,
the moments between laughs will forever haunt me,
aware that my best was short of my intention.

For every tear that falls, I'll spend a day in torment,
surrounded by the bellowing seas of worries and woes,
grasping for solid ground that my feet are not worthy to tread,
desperate to dry the eyes that bear your soul.

For what worth is there in knowing I've made repairs,
patched the holes I've punched before,
while I swore to keep you from harms reach?

I strive to protect, yet fail to perfect
the man I wish to be.

I am sorry.