So, I'm in a sappy mood. Perhaps this is a good thing, as I've been neglecting actual writing and I need to generate some form of practice before papers start needing work. Anyways, as I say, sappy mood. Play this song at the end of this post, and cry if you've got a soul. Kidding, but seriously, I love the language used in this song, truly masterful.
When I hear it, especially in my current state, it makes me think of how wonderfully lucky I am. I remember, when I look back on things, feeling as hopeless as I've ever felt in life. I was mad, I was frustrated, I was confused, and as I said before, I was hopeless. In a word, I was heartbroken. In this state, I was so mad at myself for ever letting anyone close enough to me to really cause me hurt that I vowed never to make the same mistake again. I didn't want to share myself, cause I'd already lost so much in this failed attempt at "love". Cynical, depressing, and bitter was I.
But alas, I mentioned lucky. I've come to conclude that hurt is a necessary beast. Many lessons I've learned from anguish and despair, even in my short time on Earth. Without the pains, there'd have been no chance for happiness to have occurred as it did in my romances of the past. Emotion is necessary, and lends itself to all sorts of unexpected outbursts. But yes, lucky.
I have arrived, my friends. I know love. Everything I thought I knew, everything I felt, it all has changed, and I am loving it. This love, though, wouldn't be possible if I was still my old, cynical self. I had to take the chance, and it is this chance which keeps me on edge. Songs such as this sting as reminders of the other side of fortune. The more I have, the happier I am, the more I stand to lose. The prospect of losing this love, the very notion, be it simple, contrived only in the mind, and fleeting, is enough to bring tears to my eyes as I listen to the pain in this song.
Enjoy?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
If...
If I've only got one last breath,
I wish to breathe You in.
To have my lungs expand with your loving mercy,
to feel your warmth spread throughout my body,
until finally, together, we leave this existence for something greater.
If I've only got one last step,
I wish it to be a step in Your direction.
Uplifted by Your strength, pressed on by Your encouragement,
I plunge myself forward down the path You've paved for me,
until I fall in submission to Your greater calling.
If I've only got one last word,
I wish it to be love.
Completing a circle, from birth to death;
let me declare all I knew, all I valued, all You taught me,
until the very moment I fall silent, I shall speak of Your love.
And yet, tomorrow many breaths, steps, and words shall pass.
Moments lost, forgotten, neglected, and abandoned.
With such careful planning do I look upon my last acts,
that I neglect the present.
If I yearn for You, let it be in the first breath of every day,
If I wish to follow You, let it begin with the first step,
If I long to declare Your worth, let it be done in every utterance.
If my broken spirit needs your healing, let it start right now.
I wish to breathe You in.
To have my lungs expand with your loving mercy,
to feel your warmth spread throughout my body,
until finally, together, we leave this existence for something greater.
If I've only got one last step,
I wish it to be a step in Your direction.
Uplifted by Your strength, pressed on by Your encouragement,
I plunge myself forward down the path You've paved for me,
until I fall in submission to Your greater calling.
If I've only got one last word,
I wish it to be love.
Completing a circle, from birth to death;
let me declare all I knew, all I valued, all You taught me,
until the very moment I fall silent, I shall speak of Your love.
And yet, tomorrow many breaths, steps, and words shall pass.
Moments lost, forgotten, neglected, and abandoned.
With such careful planning do I look upon my last acts,
that I neglect the present.
If I yearn for You, let it be in the first breath of every day,
If I wish to follow You, let it begin with the first step,
If I long to declare Your worth, let it be done in every utterance.
If my broken spirit needs your healing, let it start right now.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Masquerade
I surround myself with images of beauty,
images of desire, images of popularity, images of what I long to be,
I become so lost in these pictures that I cease to matter,
all that's left of me is unfinished work.
I'm working on it, though.
I'll be so much more than I am now, don't worry.
I'll be that cool, funny, popular guy.
You'll see.
The closer I get to being him, the better things will be,
when I've shed the lost layers of myself
and covered myself in the expectations of the world,
I'll be comfortable being me.
No...that's not right...
Cause I've been him, I've worn those clothes and walked those roads,
the more I changed, the less I recognized myself,
the harder I tried, the more things really hurt,
and no matter what, I was in there all along, constantly letting myself down.
It comes down to this, who am I living my life for?
Those who look upon me with expectations and standards set for me to meet?
Or is it for myself? Am I living for enjoyment, fulfillment, and joy?
Or, even further, is it something greater that my life should be lived for?
How would the world look if we all shed our outer layers of protection and shelter?
What would it take for us to abandon our defences in hopes of really knowing love?
images of desire, images of popularity, images of what I long to be,
I become so lost in these pictures that I cease to matter,
all that's left of me is unfinished work.
I'm working on it, though.
I'll be so much more than I am now, don't worry.
I'll be that cool, funny, popular guy.
You'll see.
The closer I get to being him, the better things will be,
when I've shed the lost layers of myself
and covered myself in the expectations of the world,
I'll be comfortable being me.
No...that's not right...
Cause I've been him, I've worn those clothes and walked those roads,
the more I changed, the less I recognized myself,
the harder I tried, the more things really hurt,
and no matter what, I was in there all along, constantly letting myself down.
It comes down to this, who am I living my life for?
Those who look upon me with expectations and standards set for me to meet?
Or is it for myself? Am I living for enjoyment, fulfillment, and joy?
Or, even further, is it something greater that my life should be lived for?
How would the world look if we all shed our outer layers of protection and shelter?
What would it take for us to abandon our defences in hopes of really knowing love?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Proposal Story
Good evening folks!
So yes, I'm engaged. What does this mean? Not much really, just an expensive confirmation of the inevitable in the form of a ring. Naaaaaaw, just kidding, it means that things are finally happening in my life. I'm progressing. Developing. Things are happening, it's pretty swell. You wanna know how it happened, you say? Alllllllll right, here gives, but this is the comprehensive, back-story type explanation.
So here I find myself, sitting on Leah's bed when she's already gone to work and I'm waiting for my 10:00 shift to come. I've been here a couple times before, but today I decide to seek God, I need an answer. I feel pressure, I feel obligation (and man do I ever dislike obligation), and I feel very out of control. I feel that I am expected to propose, I feel so strongly that if I don't, I'll be a letdown. I don't want to be a letdown, but I don't want to propose because I feel this way. So I ask him, I pray to him to PLEASE show me why I ought to propose. Show me the love I know I feel. Break my heart and get me to feel the way one ought to before making such a life changing decision. Until then, until He makes this happen in me, I just can't do anything, so it's on Him.
Boom! Weeks pass, WEEKS. I just wait. Sit, wait, wonder, wait, and then it hit me. I feel love, I feel INTENSE love. I feel as though to spend a minute more in uncertainty about this is insane. I feel Him telling me to do it, confirming that it's a decision to be made for the right reasons. Yay! It's what I've been waiting for. Not that I didn't love her all along, but this, this is that moment where certainty is an understatement. This moment came from God, as an answer to my prayers in exactly the way I needed.
So, ball is rolling, guy is thinking. How can I be romantic? How can I be true to myself and her? What can I do that will be special, but not over the top? Questions, questions, questions. Mistake #2, (the first being letting the pressure of not asking her build to such an insane point before praying), was to do the same thing again. I think about it, ask friends about it, but don't pray about it. So we have me, a couple of other people, and that's it. We throw around some good ideas over the span of a week or two until BOOM! (I like BOOM moments) It hits me, it's a fusion idea of mine and my co-worker Jen's, and I decide I'll devote the day to Leah, doing things for her, and sprinkling in different things which she loves or are significant, but doing that in an inconspicuous way, and then at the end of the day, after replicating our first date, I'd give her something which points out all the ways I'd done special things for her that day, and citing why. Then, ring. This is sort of the movie style end of the film reveal sitch.
So here is me, getting ring, talking to ring guy, (who was awesome, by the way) and all psyched to do it my way. I am, again, back on Leah's bed, all alone, morning, pre-work shift. Devotional time, and I'm praying. Not in a direct, tell-me-something way, but in a general, how's-it-going way. Then...say it with me here...BOOM! I feel this sudden urgency to go into my archives (yes, I have archives). I re-read my poetry I've written to her, and realize the proposal had been building itself all along. I've been writing all sorts of poems throughout our relationship, and telling her how I felt. This was it. This idea wasn't mine any more than the decision to propose was. God directed me. It may sound intense, it may sound silly to some of you, but I've never been more certain of such an intervention in my life. This is perfect, and all I had to do was talk to God about it, just a little bit.
Here's the set up. I have the ring coming, I'll have it by Wednesday. This new idea comes on Monday. I decide then to propose Friday instead of the following Saturday, and to do it this new way. I make her a scrapbook, I put inside all the things I've written to or about her in the course of our relationship, and I plan to give it to her Friday night when we arrive in Vernon. I enlist the help of the GREATEST helper. This is no exaggeration. Those of you who see the pictures of the candles, the gazebo, the lights, the whole things, know that it was no more me than for the moon to have shown up at my request. Mel hooks me up with a beautiful set up, I just have to keep my mouth shut.
We arrive in Vernon after a brief time of being lost. I hide the book in my coat, with the ring in my jacket pocket. We head down the stairs, as I tell Leah I just want to see the dock before we unpack. Candles line the walkway to the dock, and I act (in a terribly weak performance) confused. A sign at the start of the dock says "plug in". I hesitate. Is this for me? I stand there, minutes pass. I plug in. A flash of light is seen at the end of the dock where a gazebo stands with twinkling lights and music playing. We walk towards it, passing candles on either side of the dock as we float to this gorgeous set up. We get there, I plug in the playlist I made, and prepare myself. The playlist, I tell Leah afterward, is full of the songs which inspired me to dig deep and bear my soul as I wrote her these various bits of prose.
I grab a cushion, the blanket, and we sit. I show her the book, and spend the next however long reading to her all the reasons why I love her so. I read poems of heartbreak, of worry, of vulnerability, of elation and joy. I read about moments of bliss, moments of thanks, and the moment when I was certain this was true love. I tell her about how I could not bear to lose her, I tell her I want to be with her forever, and I describe everything I've ever felt for her. (Well, maybe only the better sides of the emotions I've felt). I tell her it will never be easy, I tell her I don't want it easy, I tell her I promise to take care of her for the rest of my life. I tell her she's the most amazing person I've ever met. I tell her everything she deserves to hear. I cannot contain myself, and as tears fall down both of our cheeks, I ask her if she'll marry me. No hesitation, she says yes. Embrace, joy, and the rest is history.
I found the most difficulty, stress, and frustration when I tried to force situations to work as I wanted, or in the way I thought they ought to. When I relied on God, he gave me the words to say, the ways to express my love, and the unwavering strength to make it all happen without stress or nervousness. To me, that's love, that's exactly what I needed.
So yes, I'm engaged. What does this mean? Not much really, just an expensive confirmation of the inevitable in the form of a ring. Naaaaaaw, just kidding, it means that things are finally happening in my life. I'm progressing. Developing. Things are happening, it's pretty swell. You wanna know how it happened, you say? Alllllllll right, here gives, but this is the comprehensive, back-story type explanation.
So here I find myself, sitting on Leah's bed when she's already gone to work and I'm waiting for my 10:00 shift to come. I've been here a couple times before, but today I decide to seek God, I need an answer. I feel pressure, I feel obligation (and man do I ever dislike obligation), and I feel very out of control. I feel that I am expected to propose, I feel so strongly that if I don't, I'll be a letdown. I don't want to be a letdown, but I don't want to propose because I feel this way. So I ask him, I pray to him to PLEASE show me why I ought to propose. Show me the love I know I feel. Break my heart and get me to feel the way one ought to before making such a life changing decision. Until then, until He makes this happen in me, I just can't do anything, so it's on Him.
Boom! Weeks pass, WEEKS. I just wait. Sit, wait, wonder, wait, and then it hit me. I feel love, I feel INTENSE love. I feel as though to spend a minute more in uncertainty about this is insane. I feel Him telling me to do it, confirming that it's a decision to be made for the right reasons. Yay! It's what I've been waiting for. Not that I didn't love her all along, but this, this is that moment where certainty is an understatement. This moment came from God, as an answer to my prayers in exactly the way I needed.
So, ball is rolling, guy is thinking. How can I be romantic? How can I be true to myself and her? What can I do that will be special, but not over the top? Questions, questions, questions. Mistake #2, (the first being letting the pressure of not asking her build to such an insane point before praying), was to do the same thing again. I think about it, ask friends about it, but don't pray about it. So we have me, a couple of other people, and that's it. We throw around some good ideas over the span of a week or two until BOOM! (I like BOOM moments) It hits me, it's a fusion idea of mine and my co-worker Jen's, and I decide I'll devote the day to Leah, doing things for her, and sprinkling in different things which she loves or are significant, but doing that in an inconspicuous way, and then at the end of the day, after replicating our first date, I'd give her something which points out all the ways I'd done special things for her that day, and citing why. Then, ring. This is sort of the movie style end of the film reveal sitch.
So here is me, getting ring, talking to ring guy, (who was awesome, by the way) and all psyched to do it my way. I am, again, back on Leah's bed, all alone, morning, pre-work shift. Devotional time, and I'm praying. Not in a direct, tell-me-something way, but in a general, how's-it-going way. Then...say it with me here...BOOM! I feel this sudden urgency to go into my archives (yes, I have archives). I re-read my poetry I've written to her, and realize the proposal had been building itself all along. I've been writing all sorts of poems throughout our relationship, and telling her how I felt. This was it. This idea wasn't mine any more than the decision to propose was. God directed me. It may sound intense, it may sound silly to some of you, but I've never been more certain of such an intervention in my life. This is perfect, and all I had to do was talk to God about it, just a little bit.
Here's the set up. I have the ring coming, I'll have it by Wednesday. This new idea comes on Monday. I decide then to propose Friday instead of the following Saturday, and to do it this new way. I make her a scrapbook, I put inside all the things I've written to or about her in the course of our relationship, and I plan to give it to her Friday night when we arrive in Vernon. I enlist the help of the GREATEST helper. This is no exaggeration. Those of you who see the pictures of the candles, the gazebo, the lights, the whole things, know that it was no more me than for the moon to have shown up at my request. Mel hooks me up with a beautiful set up, I just have to keep my mouth shut.
We arrive in Vernon after a brief time of being lost. I hide the book in my coat, with the ring in my jacket pocket. We head down the stairs, as I tell Leah I just want to see the dock before we unpack. Candles line the walkway to the dock, and I act (in a terribly weak performance) confused. A sign at the start of the dock says "plug in". I hesitate. Is this for me? I stand there, minutes pass. I plug in. A flash of light is seen at the end of the dock where a gazebo stands with twinkling lights and music playing. We walk towards it, passing candles on either side of the dock as we float to this gorgeous set up. We get there, I plug in the playlist I made, and prepare myself. The playlist, I tell Leah afterward, is full of the songs which inspired me to dig deep and bear my soul as I wrote her these various bits of prose.
I grab a cushion, the blanket, and we sit. I show her the book, and spend the next however long reading to her all the reasons why I love her so. I read poems of heartbreak, of worry, of vulnerability, of elation and joy. I read about moments of bliss, moments of thanks, and the moment when I was certain this was true love. I tell her about how I could not bear to lose her, I tell her I want to be with her forever, and I describe everything I've ever felt for her. (Well, maybe only the better sides of the emotions I've felt). I tell her it will never be easy, I tell her I don't want it easy, I tell her I promise to take care of her for the rest of my life. I tell her she's the most amazing person I've ever met. I tell her everything she deserves to hear. I cannot contain myself, and as tears fall down both of our cheeks, I ask her if she'll marry me. No hesitation, she says yes. Embrace, joy, and the rest is history.
I found the most difficulty, stress, and frustration when I tried to force situations to work as I wanted, or in the way I thought they ought to. When I relied on God, he gave me the words to say, the ways to express my love, and the unwavering strength to make it all happen without stress or nervousness. To me, that's love, that's exactly what I needed.
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