I've had the realization several times in the past few weeks that there is nothing I will find more fulfilling in life than loving well. For whatever reason, I feel this is an easy task when it comes to parenting and I cannot fathom moving through any stage of life for anything less than complete gratitude for every moment I get to share with my guys. I am in no way flawless, and my patience wanes on predictable timetables when I've gone too long without snacks or when there's too much clutter pressing in from all sides. However, even in my failures I find joy in exposing the humility of my limitations, knowing that my boys need to see that there is strength in seeking forgiveness with sincerity and contrition.
The bad
I feel a level of alone that I'm having trouble understanding and perhaps even more difficulty articulating. Like FOMO without the fear part, it's as though the world is moving on and I've moved onto acceptance that I might not be moving along with it. It used to be cool to trash social networks for their inauthenticity, but in their absence I've not found anything better to sustain relationships that didn't continue growing in their COVID times dormancy. People continued to move on and I've realized my inaction has led to a greater distance between us all. It feels heavy.
The between
I find that in my faith journey, I'm experiencing peace that comes from slowing down and treating life less like a problem to be optimized and more like a purposeful walk through a quiet forest. It's strange how much I've imposed on myself these expectations that guide my self-actualization, feeling like I need to hit certain metrics or improve with a reliable consistency. It is all so constraining, and these sort of limitations don't exist within healthy relationships. I guess I'm learning how to do that healthy relationship thing with a God who I can't see or talk to like He's right in front of me.
I constantly want less stuff around me, maybe because I want to appreciate what I do have and I feel like there's too much noise to be able to see the things of value. I think the simplicity of fewer distractions would nudge me towards more authentic and healthy living, but perhaps I'm just trying to justify having less garbage to clean at the end of a long week.
