Coming up a bit short

I feel like I'm in a space of trying to find the most efficient way to pack for a trip. I am pretty good at arranging all the clothes and various items inside my bag, and stacking all the bags inside the car to maximize space, so I don't mean efficient in that sense. I guess I mean more like I want to bring only what I need, and use everything I bring. There's this bizarre sinking feeling for me when I get home and see all the things I never used that I brought along. For me, it's on par with the way normal people freak out over what they forgot to bring along for the journey. An ideal circumstance for me would be using and needing everything I pack, and leaving nothing untouched. A close second would be making due with what I've got, but needing one or two more things. To have too much though, that's a wasteful feeling for me.

I'm not sure if this is quirky or just absurd, but it's part of a bigger philosophy for me. You know how people try to decide how much food to buy, then look at the spread and utter with a sort of stunned disbelief, "I think we bought too much food." Then they do the thing where they have to find the silver lining, and they say "well it's better to have too much than not enough." It's at that point where I'm silently disagreeing in my head. The only times I've really gone hungry in life are when I've fasted, when I'm being stubborn, or when the food is no good. I have made a habit of ordering more than I need, and forcing myself to eat beyond a comfortable fullness on more than one occasion. I feel like it's weird that we see insurance, over-preparation, and stockpiling as the sensible option. I mean, I totally understand it on the one hand, but on another it just feels silly. I'd love to grow comfortable with coming up a little short, and having less than I need to get by to learn to need less.

I have been through seasons of busy life and those of rest. Times when I feel pulled from activity to activity with minimal time to myself as well as times when rest at the end of the day feels forced and unearned. Yet throughout, I've never really lacked the ability to find a way to be entertained or to find people around me to share in the enjoyment of the passage of time. I can't even tell you what I'd miss if everything I own were to wash away in an accident, because there isn't one moment that I spend thinking about the extra stuff in my bag or the uneaten dishes full of extra food. I stock my shelves and cupboard, filling my house with things never to be inventoried, and seldom to be seen aside from as part of the skyline of my living room or kitchen.

But still I feel the pull to store up, stash extra, be prepared and consider future needs. The weight of commercial advertisement is heavy, and it makes it tough to be as free as I'd like. Maybe one day I'll pack the perfect bag, with everything I need and nothing left to add. I hope as life slows, things become much simpler and I learn to let go of the feeling that I need any more than what I really need. Either that, or that bags become bigger, stuff gets smaller, and robots give me superhuman future strength.

Thanks for reading, I feel there's more here to be said but it's late and the quality of my writing suffers with each passing minute.

P.S: Summer is ending, and I don't feel worry. I don't know what I feel, but at this point maybe the dread is still on the horizon. I love my son, and the time we spend together is lazy but brilliant as he makes simple discoveries seem refreshing. He laughs with a forceful joy that makes me question the inner workings of his mind, but I become less geeky and more caught up in the moment when he looks at me and smiles.