Saturday, July 14, 2012

...

For me, a guy who finds great difficulty in initiating social exchanges, I wonder whether this is a skill that needs to be built up as opposed to a natural faculty. As children, we are directed in our friendships, guided by the hands of parents, teachers, coaches and other adults that steer us towards friends and ensure that these bonds are well maintained. When we make mistakes, when we act improperly or selfishly, our guardians correct us and teach us how to properly associate with others. Eventually, we are weaned off this support and left to fend for ourselves. As the training wheels are removed from our bikes, and we begin the wobbly ride of independence, we understand our true capabilities.

However, in my own experiences, perhaps I've fallen off one too many times to be comfortable riding without assistance. This is where this metaphor falls apart, as one can walk away from their bike much easier than they can turn their back on friendships. Furthermore, it's not as though I wish to be without friends. Just as the inept rider desires flawless ability, I too desire the ability to comfortably navigate social exchanges. I simply acknowledge my hesitancy to try as it also represents the risk of failure.

Knowing that improvement comes from experience, I am finding myself uncomfortably driven towards pushing my comfort zone outward and risking the pains of failure. I acknowledge, as well, how absurdly stuck I am in my own head regarding this. Yet, where else am I to be as I think my way in and out of these tough situations?

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Musings on ambition and purpose

It feels good to return to the other side of things, reflecting on thoughts as I capture and recap the many notions passing through my mind. Here goes...

I, being not necessarily a man of much drive nor ambition, wish to become a more avid reader and a folk music sensation. Preferably, these goals would be accomplished in my spare time. Perhaps they could be realized in tandem, as stars need to stay mentally alert even in their down time. I'd honestly LOVE to be in a folk band and sing the days away, it'd be such a joy. Books are cool, but the folky side of me (being activated and stimulated as we speak by several Youtube videos) is probably the more pressing of these unlikely ambitions. A guy can dream.

While I'm on the subject of folk music, I should note that it fuels me as I work. I've been realizing lately how much I have changed in certain aspects of my personality in the last few years. I used to hate manual labour, thinking that I should strive for excellence and success that prevents me from having to ever work with my hands rather than my mind. Additionally, I used to sing only in the most private places to avoid being heard. However, as I headed home to tidy up and lend a hand I found myself thoroughly enjoying the pains of work as I sung along with my musical accompaniment at full volume, reaching for harmonies beyond my grasp and striving for notes at the edge of my range. I guess I feel as though singing is an outlet for my soul, a way of truly expressing and actualizing the many emotions associated with the work I was doing. For the first time in a long time, I felt content. My mind wasn't beyond itself, my thoughts weren't focussed on anything besides the task at hand. For a guy who is constantly thinking and overanalyzing, there was much peace to be found in the events of the day.

While I relay the events of today, I feel this post would be incomplete without mentioning several discussions that, while only scratching the surface of their potential, encouraged me to strive for depth in subject matter in the conversations I engage in. It's odd, but I supposed I often feel as though the people I'm closest to know me well enough that they don't need to be brought into these deep, philosophical conversations on belief. I didn't quite make it there today, but I saw potential and I had the opportunity to share, listen and plant conversational seeds that will hopefully be growing.

Bah, perhaps that paragraph read overly cryptic and pretentious, sorry about that. While I've got you here, I'll finish by sharing that I feel like I'm growing and in this slow progression I'm becoming increasingly aware of my desire to escape the comfort I feel here in Vancouver. I feel as though I'll be forever disappointed in myself if I never get beyond this degree of complacency. Through a discussion with a very dear friend, I came up with the estimate that I live somewhere in the top 10% in terms of SES and wealth and the like. That scares me. Scratch that, I'm not scared by that notion as much as I am by the possibility that I'll never know anything beyond this 10%. Part of me wants to run off somewhere with my lovely wife, and a guitar (once I learn to play it), making music and experiencing life in a way I'd never have considered before. While I feel change upon me, I also feel as though the decision to remain the same means a decision to limit the potential to surpass my own limited expectations of the man I am and the man I one day could be.

That is all. You, faithful few who stumble upon my ramblings, are no doubt worthy of my gratitude as you co-journey through these moments in life with me. Thanks for the support, even if I never find out you've come across this at all.