Wednesday, June 22, 2016

What's it like?

"What's it like, being a dad?"

"How do you feel now?"

"Getting much sleep?"

"Isn't it great?"

"He's so beautiful"

"Sleep?"

"Is it weird?"

"Is it exciting?"

"SLEEP?!?!?"

Okay, so that's what THAT is like. That post baby discussion that begins, moves into quickly or concludes with a discussion around my sleeping patterns as if I had this baby to talk about my rest or lack thereof. To get it out of the way, I do now and forever have had wonderful sleeps, thanks. Also, my appetite is good, my excretions are regular, my vision is poor (as always), my activity level is overly sedentary compared to where I'd like it to be, and I have yet to start balding. Any other questions about my physical well being you might have, please just ask. I'm an open book. If not, I'd LOVE to talk about my little man instead of myself. It's weird how quickly questions turn to me as if I am the thing I am thinking so much about in the wake of this new life coming into the world.

Let's tackle some of those other questions from the bottom to the top of my list.

Is it exciting? At times. I get a rush of adrenaline when I hold him close, look deep into his eyes, tell him I love him and he spits up foul, acidic smelling, freshly churned mama's milk. I get frantic as I reach for anything to soak up the spill and assess the damage. Diapers can also be the source of excitement when they fail to contain the damage or you find yourself unprepared for the sheer amount of mess that can be held in a size 1 Pamper's BabyDry. The rest of it is wonderful, but that is not what you asked in this question so I'll try to be as accurate as possible.

Is it weird? I guess the best way to answer this for me is as follows. I keep feeling like the real parents are going to come in and thank me for watching over this little dude and send me off on my way. I have to daily convince myself that I am in fact doing this, that this is my life, and that it is all real. BUT, at the same time, I feel like Neo from the matrix learning how to parent -- Diapers? I know how to change diapers. I can burp him, comfort him, change him, play with him, swaddle him, bathe him all without worry or stress. I feel like a completely capable and competent impostor. Yes, it is weird.

He's so beautiful! Not really a question here, but I'll go with "yes." Ugly babies have it rough, because they don't even have a personality that people can fall back on to compliment. He will develop a plan B personality in case he takes an ugly turn, but right now he is totally beautiful. Some say babies get their looks from their dads, but I think of myself more as rugged than beautiful so maybe they're wrong.

Isn't it great? Yes, it is great. It is in fact the greatest thing I'll ever do in my life. I don't hesitate for even a second to recognize the magnitude of this life shift, and I think it is only so difficult to comprehend because I have nothing to adequately compare it to. It's like an all you can eat ice cream buffet with chicken wings on the side that make you jacked or that childhood dream of living in a mansion on a street of mansions all occupied by your best friends, but better than those things because it is 100% real.

How do you feel now? Honestly, I feel now pretty normal. I fear the worst thing that can happen is this euphoria will dissipate when I become accustomed to things. I feel like anything in the world can happen, and it might be great and it might suck but no matter what it won't change what we have with this guy. When I come home, I take off my "out-in-the-world" hat and put on my "back-in-a-dream" hat and just sink into this place of joy. Sometimes, I feel like emotions hit hard and fast and because they are so dramatic we give them this extra weight of importance. This isn't that. I think my love for him will only get stronger, and each day I'm increasing my capacity for all these amazing things I feel for this guy. That's sort of how I feel, at maybe a 5% level right now but feeling full in that 5%.

What's it like, being a dad? This question is too big for me. For now, since my influence is limited at this point, I'll give you a brief answer that'll change in a little while. In my head, I have all these things I know I need to consider. I have theories on child rearing, education, psychology and development that I want to balance and strategically implement. In my heart, I burp with him, make him do funny things with his hands, mess his hair up, help him push out his farts and laugh when they come in loud and unexpected ways, speak for him in a silly voice, play music to him and look forward to the days when he can sing along, pray for him, stare at him, poke his cheeks and tickle his feet. Being a dad is me at my best self desperately hoping that it spills over into the man he's becoming. It is also me at my worst self looking in the mirror at what he'll pick up if I'm careless or apathetic.

This is my best shot at giving you an update. Please ask if you have questions but for the love of all that is good in this world leave sleep out of it.

1 comment:

  1. dont worry about how ur child looks. he is handsome and looks like his father and his father before him. totally breathtaking!!! just kidding...lol...

    ReplyDelete