Jooooookes!

-You know what's funny? Like last week my local newspaper had a pun contest. It was this big thing for city residents where they had to make up an original pun, the editors would pick their favorites, then people could vote on their favorite. Then the winner would get to have their own little column in like the "local news" section. I thought it was kinda cool.

So I spent a night and a day working on puns for this contest, right? I end up with ten puns that I was positive were good enough to win the thing and I send all of them in, confident that at least ONE of them would make it to the final voting round.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


-I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'


-Two olives are hanging from a tree, when one olive falls down. The olive in the tree looks down at the olive on the ground and asks, "Are you okay?” The olive on the ground looks up and says, "I'll live."


-Q: What do you call an arrogant fugitive falling from a building?
A: Condescending.


- A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here," says the bartender. "Aww c'mon..." pleads the mushroom, "I'm a fun guy"


-Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


-What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
...He stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog